Claire

“I want to try to explain to you just how much of a difference the work EMT do makes. Ok so I got cancer, suddenly I was thrown into a completely different world, there were no choices anymore, my life was turned upside down, no, wait it was shook violently from side to side, rolled down the steepest mountain at breakneck speed and then turned upside down!

For months I gave all my energy to fighting it, even when I had no more energy to give. I was taken so close to the edge, in the end I got to a place where even death isn’t scary anymore, it just became another part of my life. Then after the biggest struggle of my life, I was told you’re ok now, you’re alright, at least for the moment, and slowly I had to move away from the edge and be “normal” and get back to my “normal” life. But I couldn’t, it was the start of a completely different struggle.

At first things went ok, I slipped back into school, I was making my mates laugh again, and I was running and playing football and everything seemed ok, for a bit. Then it all hit me, it suddenly became clear what a massive thing had just happened to me, it was like who am I kidding that I can ever get back to how I was. I had so many questions, and so little answers. About the same time, one of my closest friends, Kim, who I had met on my ward whilst receiving chemo, took a turn for the worst. The doctors told her there was nothing more they could do, and she had three months left to live. I just couldn’t get my head round it but I decided I was going to stay with her for those months.

I was with her in the last few weeks and days, and it was the worst, it cut me up seeing her there, a skeleton almost, hardly breathing, never talking. I’d talk absolute rubbish to her, I never knew what to say, and the humming of her oxygen machine would just go on and on. I’d just sit there holding her hand, I would have held her hand forever, I didn’t want to let her go. In October Kim died and I was mess. I felt so angry but most of all guilty, we had been in it together from the start and now she had gone and I was still alive, I just kept thinking who am I to be alive, when she’s not? I started to drift away from everyone and everything, I lived in my bedroom. I began to completely stuff up school too, I just didn’t see the point, so I would muck around, argue with my teachers, and generally not work. It just seemed so insignificant, everything seemed insignificant, even my existence. I got really low, and started thinking about doing stupid stuff, taking risks and putting my life on the line. It was then that the EMT trip arrived, just in time to get me back on track before it was too late. And what a trip it was.

One important thing for me, was feeling misunderstood, ever since my illness, I just felt that no one could understand what was going on in my head, and I struggled to talk to people about it too, it just felt like it was too heavy to discuss with my friends. They’d been through enough. However on the trip all that disappears at once, there are no explanations and you just chatter away with other teenagers, feeling as if you’ve known them for years when in fact it is a matter of hours or indeed minutes! It’s just incredible and I can’t possibly describe just how much it means to me to be able to get things off my chest, with people who reply, “Yep, I feel like that all the time” and really mean it.

I knew from the first moment that the week was going to be brilliant, and it delivered alright. Monday started off with a sausage, beans and hash brown breakfast, one thing Bradwell know how to do is a hearty breakfast! We were out on the water straight away, sailing in 22s, kitted out in oilies which turned out a fine plan as we got absolutely soaked, it was pretty choppy, and the spray just kept hitting us, and we just kept laughing! I even managed to helm and do a half decent tack, “Leeho!” Although the best bit was meeting Norman when Ellen joined us onboard! After a tasty lunch and a warm shower we headed out cycling. It was certainly an experience! I hadn’t ridden a bike in ages, and I think it showed, I soon discovered my level of competency on a bike, was well incompetent I think! Yet still I managed to have a right laugh, I must have fallen off about five or six times, due to collisions and all that jazz, but everyone was really supportive and I just hopped on again, I’m still covered in cuts and bruises on my legs but miraculously my sunglasses escaped completely unharmed and managed to stay on my head throughout the entire cycle!

The time flew by and soon it was time to return to the centre to get a few things together before setting off for the Packing Shed. We travelled to the packing shed on Aeolus, and I even got a chance to drive for a bit. Once we’d arrived we lugged all our stuff up the slippery seaweedy ramp surrounded by oyster shells and entered the shed, not knowing at all what to expect. We were met with basically a wooden floor, a few chairs, and a makeshift kitchen/bedroom the other side of a partition; it was going to be an interesting night! We were all cold and hungry but were kept busy designing new fashions with just bin liners, tape and some string. Luke, Abi and I teamed up and Luke was quick to volunteer to be the model. We kitted him out in a black bin liner dress with a plunging neck line, with a belt comprising of “flowers” or scrunched up silver tape to me and you and completed his look with some boobs. Very fetching indeed! The other team’s creations were equally entertaining and it passed the time before dinner. Dinner was great, pasta Bolognese a la Frank, and ginger cake and custard. We played some cards, Ellen showed us some amazing photos and then we got tucked up in our sleeping bags to try and “go to sleep”. The generator went off and so did the lights, so out came the torches and the phones, and the moths and the phantom axe murderer. It was when we were telling scary stories that the axe murderer unleashed his wrath, I had managed to spot Frank and Tracy creeping round to our door, but kept quiet knowing that the reactions would be worth it and they were! The other girl’s screams and faces as slowly the door creaked open followed by Frank bursting through were just priceless and it took us a while to settle down afterwards! After a lot of tossing and turning I must have dropped off to sleep, as in the early hours I woke to the sound of water. It was a surreal experience to hear the tide coming up around you in the middle of the night. I must have fallen back to sleep again as the next time I woke was to the crashing of pots and pans, grrr Frank! It was time to return to the centre, upon arrival I headed straight for the kitchen, I don’t think I’ve ever been as happy to see a bacon roll as I was that morning, I scoffed that down and headed for the showers.

Next we went kiting, and these were powerful kites, although when you weren’t being dragged across the grass or lifted in the air it was a good time to chill out and Rhiannon and I did just that, spilling squash everywhere and just having a nice chat! After lunch it was high ropes time, I’d been excited about this activity ever since we’d arrived at the centre and was right up for it, even if not entirely convinced I’d complete it, but I did and it was just an immense feeling. The best bit was probably the trapeze, climbing up the swaying tower and steadying myself at the top on the platform and then after a few wobbly moments, leaping off and managing to grab the trapeze. Five minutes later once safely on terra firma I was still a bit shaky but it just felt grrrreat to have done it!
After that was dinner and then archery, which was a laugh, simply because most of us girls were just so hopeless at it! One of the nicest things on the trip was just spending time with each other though, we’d all just sit in the games room, laughing till we fell of the sofa, playing ping pong and having a right rave up with Emily’s speakers, in fact there are heaps of songs now which will bring the memories flooding back.
The next day we went canoeing, and it was just so much fun. Abi, Rhiannon and I were in a canoe together and everything was going very smoothly, Abi had completely mastered the technique of steering, and Rhiannon and I were going strong on the paddling, in fact we were one of the few boats yet to capsize, until the two irish lads, Chris and Rob, and Larvell made it their mission to do just that, capsize us. But we weren’t going to give in easily and the boys ended up in the water too. After the initial shock from the water temperature we just descended into fits of giggles until Dave dragged us back into our canoes. It was just so much fun as we made our way down the water, avoiding trees, ducks and other canoes! After a while we arrived at our lunch destination, where we demolished sausage rolls, sandwiches, chocolate cakes and pineapple amongst other things!

Then it was time to take on the weir, Dave our leader, launched us from the top and we were off, whizzing sideways and landed with a splash, but as we were about to capsize without thinking I leapt off the front of our canoe, leaving the other two inside, oops! Once we’d all gone down the weir several times we had a bit of a belly flopping competition off one of the canoes, followed by another game, “Titanic” where we all tried to pile on the one canoe, both resulted in a new definition of the word wet and more fits of giggles. In fact the whole day was pretty much non-stop laughter. Towards the end of our canoeing we played one last game revolving around cakes and involving some manic canoe swapping. I don’t think I will ever look at a creamy puff in quite the same way! Then we headed back to the centre for dinner. Chocolate pudding was on the menu that night, phwoar Bradwell don’t half do killer puds!

Then we tried Jacob’s Ladder, where we basically had to work as a team to reach the top, not as easy as it sounds, the gaps between the rungs only get bigger and bigger as you near the top. I was in a group with Abi, Rhiannon and Tracy. We were the last group, it was getting dark, and to be honest we didn’t have high hopes for our attempt but in the end we pulled together and managed to reach the top. We couldn’t believe we’d done it really and were right chuffed, Rhiannon did especially well facing her fear of heights in getting to the fourth or fifth rung. It was just the best feeling knowing we had achieved something and topped off an amazing day.

Thursday was our last full day, the time had gone so quickly, we hit the water again but this time not in canoes, but Pico’s, Qba’s and Cat’s instead. Kitted out in wetsuits we were towed to the power station beach in Pico’s. Then we actually got a chance to sail them, it was incredible, I managed to get to grips with it fairly quickly and we were soon speeding round buoys. Then Abi, Rhiannon, Eman and I went out on a Cat with John. It got a bit choppy, we picked up speed and soon we were flying, the spray soaking us, all we could taste was salty water, just brilliant! Then I had a go at trapezing off the side, holding on tight as we zoomed through the waves until suddenly we just capsized, I went flying off the side and me and Rhiannon were just floating around in the water completely cracking up, while Eman, Abi and John huddled together by the boat waiting to be dragged onto the RIB. Still, we climbed back on and soon we were going good again, we headed back to the beach for lunch. Lunch was good as always, then Abi and I went out on a Pico together.

It was SO good, we went quite far out and really clicked as a team, soon we were going really fast and we’d got the hang of tacking. It felt brilliant just to be zipping through the water with no worries, away from everything, the only thing that mattered was just staying upright and even that didn’t matter really! 

The day had flown by it was time to head back to the centre for dinner and the much anticipated premier of “The Shed II – Kill Phil” Not before a BBQ though and some impressive fire breathing skills from John. The film was great, but even better were Rosie and Maisie as they got glammed up for the big event and their faces during the film were just lovely. Then we watched a slideshow of a selection of photos from the week, it was really special, at times I felt like laughing out loud at others bursting into tears, it really had been an incredible week.
As the evening drew to a close I started to get a bit down though, I isolated myself from the group for a bit and went and sat on a fence, away from everything, just to look at the sky and do some thinking. It then hit me that the week was pretty much over, and I just suddenly slumped, because I had been the happiest I’d been in a long time that week and I desperately didn’t want to return to feeling so low. I couldn’t have been more wrong though I’m home and it’s not like that at all, it’s not some quick fix, my life hasn’t been transformed, and to be honest I’m still struggling but there’s two things keeping me going, talking to my new friends every single day and the thought of sailing with them all again, perhaps even around Britain.

Thank you doesn’t do it justice but that’s all I can say, thank you xx”
Claire, 15, 2008

Claire returned to sail on the Trust’s Round Britain voyage in 2009, and contributed to Issue 1 of our Newsletter ‘Inspire’ with the following account of her voyage on the homecoming leg from Torquay to Cowes.

“From the moment I boarded Scarlet Oyster I instantly felt a million miles away from everything else that was going on at home, at school and in my head. We’d hardly been on Scarlet five minutes before all the banter started. It’s difficult to explain, but everyone on these trips really has a bond that is beyond words.

The voyage homecoming was possibly the best day of my life. The atmosphere onboard Scarlet was really special, we were all so excited as we made our way towards Cowes. Then I stood both hands on the wheel, wind in my face and helmed. Immense is the only word I can use to describe it.  The moment we passed the finishing line and the canon went off we all hugged, smiling from ear to ear, it was incredible, and very emotional. We got off the boat and as I walked along the pontoon arm in arm with my friends, I thought to myself this is where existing ends and living starts. The week showed me life in all its beauty again, and I felt part of something worthwhile. I will keep the memories forever and will hold them close when life isn’t quite as beautiful. Thanks for showing me that living was worth fighting for.”

Claire is now studying for her A Levels and deciding between studying English Literature at University or taking a gap year at the moment,  She took part in the J. P. Morgan Asset Management for the Trust in 2010 and hopes to return as a volunteer in the future.